I write this today, a year later. I write this as proof that life can and will be good again. Proof that you can walk through the darkest of times and still see the Light. So, I write this letter to me a year ago.
Dear me of September 2019,
Life will be good again. You will laugh again, cry again, feel again. There is Light along the way, so cling to the bright spots you have in front of you and the hope of more ahead. Despite all your brokenness, you are LOVED, LOVED, LOVED endlessly by the Father. He has not forgotten you, He is excavating all the mess that was killing you slowly on the inside. This journey you’re about to go on, it will hurt, I won’t lie. It will feel like your unmaking like everything you used to place your identity in will be gone. You will be angry with God and you will feel alone sometimes, but you are not alone. There are people God will place in your path who love you well and help you to be honest with what hurts, with what needs to be spoken to the Light. God will use them to lovingly draw you out of hiding and into repentance. He will strengthen you Sarah, He will provide for you when it feels like it’s all falling apart over and over, and when you feel the panic hit, gasping for air, trying to hold on to that ever illusive lie of self-perfection. He will be with you when you finally let Him in. He will restore your wounds and be gentle with them.
There will be joy again. You will have moments of bittersweet goodbyes and joyous hellos. You will experience the Father’s love like never before and to really know Him as Savior. You will say goodbye to the old and hello to the new. You will begin to let go of condemnation and perfectionism and learn to embrace grace wholeheartedly. You will come to moments again where you feel inexpressibly happy and at peace with who you are in Christ, overjoyed at the possibilities of life.
You will cry and come to know that sadness is so honoring to what you’ve been through. Because I sit here today in this new apartment with some new friends, some old ones too, and I look and I am overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness to you. He has turned your greatest shame into His highest praise. He has brought you out of the pit, again and again. I am proof of that writing this today.
So take your pen and this notebook and write your heart out. Write honestly about your joy, about what hurts, about the dark places and the Light ones too. Let God in to do his marvelous work.
Life will be good again, I promise. Your life will not be without a raincloud here and there, or even the occasional hurricane, but I promise, the storm always passes. The blue sky is just above the clouds, the Sun has not left.
So to the me who wept on the floor of dorm 535 and thought her life was over, I promise, it was only beginning. New life, new beginnings are possible, and it is He who has brought you here to realize this. Let the Light in, even when it hurts to. Let those who love you, love you. You aren’t a burden. You are Christ’s now. You will survive this journey and not only that, you will thrive in the New Country He’s leading you to.
I promise, it won’t be perfect, (you’re going to have to learn to give that up a whole lot I’m afraid) but it will be good. There’s good things to live for like yoga class, lemon water with honey, the sound of rain as you’re falling asleep, mountain climbs, good hugs, the feeling of being known so deeply, walks with a friend, flowers, good ice cream, trips to get pumpkins, bucket lists, and sunsets.
You will live again, not just survive. You will learn to give yourself permission to enjoy your life, and to enjoy it imperfectly with His Grace. You will experience such overwhelming freedom, such boundless peace. Behind the walls you are beginning to break down, there is a bright future ahead. So hold on to hope and draw near to Christ. Find the joy, however small in this season, and fix your eyes on the horizon to see it in the next. Hope is coming and He has a name: Jesus.
There is nowhere you will tread where He cannot rescue you from. He is your High Priest, Friend, King, Hiding Place, Light, Hope, Joy, and Shepherd.
Follow Him closely and do not be afraid.
Let the feelings come, and process them before God.
Let the Spirit illuminate all the areas of your heart.
Trust Him to make a cathedral from the ruins.
I write this as undeniable proof. Life will be good again. He is the one who sets you free. And who the Son sets free is free indeed.
You. Are. Free.
This letter is proof.
Much love,
Sarah of September 2020
sarah's heart 