This semester was a lot harder than I thought it’d be. The Lord has and still is walking me through things and bringing stuff to the surface that was so buried in my heart I didn’t even know I needed healing from.
I’ve definitely had my moments of joy, friendship, breakthrough, and good experiences, but I’ve also had a long journey of walking through the desert valley, so to speak, this semester. It’s taken a lot from me to write this, or even think about being honest enough to share this out to the world.
I’m not going to go into too much detail, because some things are just between me and God, but I’ve been in a season of life this past few months where God is pruning various areas of my life, past and present, that need healing and resurrection.
I’ve experienced seasons of my life before where God has brought me through healing journeys, and while difficult, I won’t lie, there has been an aspect of poetic beauty to those trials and I was able to make beautiful things out of them with beautiful words.
This season, it’s harder to. Now that’s not to say that God can’t make beauty out of what I’ve been through and am still walking through, but presently we’re in still the God pulling out weeds phase where there’s a lot of dirt, sweat, and just plain mess. There isn’t a new whole garden planted yet, and it’s just a bunch of dug up junk and clumps of weeds. I have no doubt God will bring newness, but you gotta get out the dead things first and actually let him do the healing.
I’m also learning how to be more honest with God, and not to present myself as partially cleaned up before talking to him. These past few months I’ve written selfish prayers, doubtful prayers, not-grammatically correct or poetic prayers and just plain honest ones too. I’ve praised him and I’ve wrestled with him fiercely. And it all just feels so messy, and I think that’s part of the point.
I’m used to having my life together, or at least controlling my image enough so that it appears that way. I’ve fought so, so hard to be perfect, to others, myself, and God. And just like Aslan tore away the dragon scales off of Eustace in the Narnia series (if you don’t know what I’m talking about go take a minute to read it http://www.cslewisinstitute.org/The_Cleansing_Transforming_Power_Aslan ) so God is tearing away my desire for control, my perfectionism, my sin of wanting to be independent and self-sufficient from him. And it hurts.
Hosea 6:1-3 says it best, “Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the third day raise us up, that we may live before him. Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth.”
During this season, I’ve struggled with comparison big time and I’ve pleaded to God, “Why can’t the outside image of the perfection I project be the same thing that’s going on inside of me? Why can’t I just be okay?? Why am I struggling so much right now with stuff from my past? Why can’t I just be p e r f e c t?”
Sometimes healing doesn’t look like beauty, flowers, and rainbows. Sometimes it’s crying out to God, verbally beating on his chest so to speak and wondering where he is in all of this. I’ve wrestled with God, I’ve argued with God, and I’ve needed his presence so desperately in my life more than ever right now. And through all of my arguing and such, I’ve heard God quietly, and sometimes just silence which absolutely puzzles me.
I’m also learning that as much as I have such a desire to share God’s love with others and all that he’s done and shared with me, I’ve been neglecting to seek God in the selfish healthy way of seeking Him just to be with him for my own heart and letting him teach me just for me.
So to those who’ve seen me from afar or scrolled through my Instagram and maybe thought, “Oh this girl has her life together, everything just looks so perfect,” here’s a little PSA: it’s not true. That’s not to say that I haven’t had really great times in my life and that God has blessed me with good things and great times with friends that I want to share, but it’s just that throughout this semester, it hasn’t been all it appears to be. And as much as I desperately wish and try to contrive with my best efforts an image of perfection and beauty, I’m really fighting in vain, and I’m fighting against God in that.
I’m learning to live in the mess of things.
So here I am with no real ending of this post to tie up in a neat little bow saying that everything’s going to be just dandy in the blink of an eye (who knows, it might be?), but I am here to declare God’s faithfulness even in what seems to be His silence, and through this valley I’m still walking through. I’m here, able to look back at this semester and see the things that God has already taught me through the mess of things. So here’s a little declaration of the things I’ve learned on this journey so far:
-He calls me to rest, not perfection.
-Forgiveness is a continual choice.
-Forgiveness is possible, and forgiveness is not dependent on another’s apology. It does not say I am no longer justified in how I felt. It is placing God inside of that memory and letting him heal.
-I am not the decider or dispenser of God’s mercy.
-We don’t endure suffering by trying harder, but by resting in His strength.
-It’s okay to be honest with God.
-God values my honesty- my joy and my sorrow
-God is not responsible for people’s wrong actions. We live in a broken world.
-God can handle my mess.
-He isn’t good if he let’s me stay in a place where I’m still holding on to my burdens. -Even if it doesn’t feel good to me, It’s better that he’s pruning the junk away instead of keeping it buried.
-God is good in not giving me the thing I ask for if it is unhealthy to me.
-I don’t have to be perfect/ embrace the imperfect.
-I can’t forget to seek God for my own self instead of just pouring it out to others.
-Comparison of my worst self to others perceived best is never a good idea.
-You are not a burden for having burdens.
-From God: “I’m not going to help you be perfect, because that’s not what you were meant to be. I’m going to help you be human and walk with me in your humanness.”
-It’s okay to be human.
-Perfectionism is really tiring, isolating, produces pride, and is an ugly and lonely thing.
-Rest.
-I am not less than for my bad days or more than for my good days. God loves me just as I am, constant always.
-God’s grace is not dependent on my performance.
-Grace requires nothing of me
-Surrender is not an act of avoidance but a choice of willfully letting go.
-“Sadness is a way to honor what you’ve been through” it meets you where you are and listens.
-It’s okay to be sad. Sadness is not weakness or something to sweep under the rug.
-Basically the movie Inside Out.
-Let others love you. Other people want to be there for you just like you want to be there for them.
-Be honest with your close buds how you’re really doing.
-Be mindful and aware of your mental health
-Emotions aren’t good or bad, but merely an indicator of what’s going on inside.
-There isn’t a sin that’s more powerful than God and I, or anyone else is not beyond God’s redemptive reach.
-Don’t be a Martha. (Luke 10:38-42)
-God is Lord over anxiety.
-Healing takes time, be patient with yourself.
-Even the silence speaks of Him.
-God loves me. Always.
So this is me, declaring that God is still good, even though I’m climbing up this mountain and my feet are weary, and my hands are metaphorically blistered.
Because even if I can’t see beauty in certain areas, and I may not for a little while, God is still good and I will cling to that desperately, even in the silence. Especially in the silence.
God, I’m so tired of trying to rush on ahead in my own strength when you’re right here, in this moment, in this valley. Bring your light, even here.
In the bareness of my brokenness, you cover me with your grace.
So as much as I’m sharing this post here, believe me, these words are all for me and my heart. Here’s to honest thoughts, real prayers, and learning to live in the grace of God that is all sufficient.
“But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:16-18
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
sarah's heart 